The President of the People's Republic of China officially inaugurated the Ride on Monday in Beijing. In the press conference that followed, he cited the general lack of interest worldwide in China's cultural heritage as the primary reason for the move.
"People simply don't appreciate how much of a big deal the Great Wall really is. They don't get why it's one of the seven wonders of the world. Oh, they can gawk at the Taj Mahal all right and ramble on for hours about how it's a monument to love and so forth, but when they hear of the Great Wall, they're like, 'It's a wall. I have a wall around my house. So it's a really long wall. Pass the ketchup.'
"Well, that's going to change now. We expect tourism to soar once the world discovers the value for money that we offer. We have appointed trained guides on every coaster car to explain China's rich and diverse history in exquisite detail to tourists as they enjoy the ride of their lives. Who says education can't be fun?"
The Great Ride also promises to be an efficient and fast public transportation system. The Wall connects the eastern part of the country with the west, passing near the city of Beijing. The chief engineer in charge of the project said:
"The true genius of this venture lies in its cost-effectiveness. We incurred none of the pointless expenses that laying rails across the country would have involved. We didn't have to acquire land or turn millions of peasants homeless. The infrastructure was just lying there and it's been there for a thousand years. And like all things economical, it will proudly bear the tag 'Made in China'."
The inaugural ride was taken by a group of Buddhist monks who maintained that they had just been liberated from their vows of silence and been given a well-deserved break from the monastery. Unconfirmed reports state that following the ride, the same monks claimed to have attained nirvana and professed their newfound belief that the Buddha was a silver-tongued hypocrite of bovine descent.
The government has also announced plans to construct a themed amusement park to go with the Ride. The venture promises to provide lucrative opportunities to thousands of unemployed Chinese clowns and anyone willing to dress up as a Pokémon character in general.
But the Chinese Ministry of Tourism has even more plans in store for the refurbished Wall. Taking advantage of the fact that the Great Wall of China is the only artificial structure visible from the moon, the ministry wants to attract potential tourists from outer space. A representative of the ministry spoke to the Loony Bean:
"Have you seen the Earth from space? There's an austere, lifeless look about the place. It doesn't look like somewhere I'd want to land and have a beer with the locals if I were an extra-terrestrial on an inter-galactic quest. We need to reveal our fun side to the little green critters. And we have just the thing. Think neon signs, only on a planetary scale."
While the initial views on the Ride have been largely optimistic, only time will tell whether the project shall succeed in attaining its rather lofty goals. For though the Wall has survived more than a millennium of punishment from beyond Chinese borders, it remains to be tested against mortification from within.
(Après-post: I'm sorry if I've hurt Chinese or Buddhist sentiments in this post. You guys need to learn to laugh at yourselves. And yes, I know Pokémon isn't Chinese.
Credits: The inspiration for this post was an insightful discussion I had with my friend Shalini about how you could walk from one mountain to another along the Great Wall. She's planning to go to China later this year. Wish her all the best, folks :)
In case you're wondering about the pretty new badge, I earned it by revealing one of my darkest secrets in the PostSecrets project on this excellent blog. Not for the faint of heart. )
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